VOID

¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through your faith. And may you, having been [deeply] rooted and [securely] grounded in love, ¹⁸ be fully capable of comprehending with all the saints (God’s people) the width and length and height and depth of His love [fully experiencing that amazing, endless love];
¹⁹ and [that you may come] to know [practically, through personal experience] the love of Christ which far surpasses [mere] knowledge [without experience], that you may be filled up [throughout your being] to all the fullness of God [so that you may have the richest experience of God’s presence in your lives, completely filled and flooded with God Himself]. EPHESIANS 3:17-19, AMP.  

¹⁷ and I pray that Christ will make his home in your hearts through faith. I pray that you may have your roots and foundation in love, ¹⁸ so that you, together with all God's people, may have the power to understand how broad and long, how high and deep, is Christ's love. ¹⁹ Yes, may you come to know his love—although it can never be fully known—and so be completely filled with the very nature of God. EPHESIANS 3:17-19, GNT.

"There's a void rising, emptiness returning. There's need to refill, come to me and I will fill your cup. Drown yourself in my word and you'll never run dry." I can hear Jesus saying to me through the Holy Spirit. Truly, I am beginning to feel empty. I am hungrier for God's presence than ever. I spend more time in the place of prayer and worship and I set out time to be under the ministration of the word but I feel like I don't know God, His voice and ultimate will. I need Him more. In this dryness, my solace is the promise that He will fill me with more of Him.

But, there's always a but!😫


It's no news that my greatest desire is to lead a life that completely embodies our Lord Jesus. I would say difficult is more than an understatement as living Christ in the past weeks has been arduous to say the least. Yeah, I commune with the Holy Spirit, He reveals secret things to me, I have a clearer picture of purpose and I also haven't forsaken the gathering of the brethren "but" all of these seem to make no sense. They don't fill the emptiness I feel deep within. 

Around the time I published my last two posts I had so many questions on my mind and they majorly centered on purpose. I was asking God for His will concerning my academics, career, finances, family, friends and ministry (especially). He did give me some answers but I felt disconnected and discontent. I offered songs of worship, tried to pray but my heart wasn't in sync. I was either battling with distractions that came in the form of thoughts and actions or struggling to keep up because there was no flow. I couldn't focus. I would be praying and all of a sudden I'll zone out. If you asked me why? It would either be because I remembered a conversation I had with someone or someone I should have left a message or my to-do list that never seems to end or what it would feel like to be under video coverage and the whole world gets to see me pray and worship with reckless abandon or how nice it would be to worship, pray and preach in front of thousands of people and the silly thoughts go on and on. My prayers also distracted me because I could be the only one in the room praying non-stop in tongues. I don't know why but that made me feel weird and of course the end result was divided attention because I would be worrying that I was being a distraction or intimidation to someone. Many times I would be frustrated to the point that I stopped praying or singing because the more I tried to concentrate the more I couldn't focus, I drifted further. In those moments of frustration I would say to my pained self where do all these thoughts come from? Just where? Why won't they go away? All I want to do is pray. I want my heart to be in sync with Heaven. I want to feel the heartbeat of the father. I want rhema! So, Holy Spirit why? Why? Please help me. I need you! It feels like I'm so far away from God's presence. Please help me! Help me! I really need you!

Did He help me? Oh He did! How? He patiently bursted my bubbles!

So I have always thought that to a reasonable extent I am pure in heart. I guess it's because my friends (particularly Ada) are always telling me "you are just oozing innocence like you ooooze it, ooooze it". I shouldn't have fallen for those words because I didn't think I would tremble so hard when the Holy Spirit revealed to me the ugly things that have comfortably settled in my heart. He reminded me of how I allowed myself to be influenced by people all in the name of coming out of my shell and chilling. Although, most of the time you won't catch me saying ungodly things I have allowed myself to be entertained by unholy talks like jests, gossips and even spiteful conversations that are characterized by unedifying words. I remember being a part of this not because I liked to but because I didn't want more criticism. I have too many nicknames😩 from mummy to grandma and preacher, evangelist, prophetess, the names are too many I can't remember them. Besides, I felt I needed to chill. If I could be a part of those conversations, people could come to know God and maybe just maybe I could erase the mindset that Christianity is about condemnation. I mean if I could relate with them(unbelievers and weak christians) without judging their actions God would do better. The Holy Spirit clearly told me how unwise I have been for doing the right thing the wrong way, knowing fully well what I should do and how I ought to go about it. He took me down memory lane and opened my eyes to the uncountable number of times He convicted me of something but I turned deaf ears to Him. He told me how I have diluted my standard-my God standard- to build and maintain mere mortal relationships. True evangelism would not use darkness to light darkness. It proclaims light. He said I can't rightly win souls by being a part of what I preach against-sin.

He didn't stop there. He went further to tell me how much I need to work on patience, tolerance and kindness especially as a leader and spiritual mentor. About three weeks ago I coordinated a camp trip that consisted of preschool, preteen and teenager campers and man I realized the essence of patience/tolerance. Before the camp everyone was all over me wanting to squeeze out every camp detail from me. The registration and payment phase was killer as I was everywhere trying to make sure things didn't flop. I can't forget the bank experience😥. Then the camp proper hmmn those kids intentionally and unintentionally frustrated me. From not immediately following instructions to calling on me in loud voices for every little thing(I hate all forms of noise and that includes screaming my name! Arrrgh it makes my brain somersault. Like why? You really don't have to shout) and then making sure everything was intact. By everything I mean the luggages and the kids. Speaking of the kids, they went missing innumerable times on the campground and I had to search all nooks and cranies severally to find them. You really don't want to experience that. At those point in time, if I'm going to be honest it was hard as in really hard to remember or even practice patience and tolerance. Thank Jesus for grace I was able to exhibit patience and also tolerate their childishness but there's the harder part kindness. Combining patience and kindness or tolerance and kindness was and is woah😢😣. I vividly remember swallowing some angry words, forcing myself to be calm and understanding in the same vein I remember those times I raised my voice a pitch higher to repeat instructions or correct someone.

What could patience, tolerance and kindness have to do with a pure heart? How do they even correlate with focusing in the place of prayer? When does void come in? People of God relax and read on😀

Before the camp I was contemplating leaving TACEF(the fellowship I coordinate and the one that organized the convention camp). I almost thought I heard God tell me to leave. I was caught up between excitement and worry. Excitement because it meant the weight would be lifted, I wouldn't have to answer a thousand and one questions at once, the incessant apologies would end and of course I can sleep well at night knowing that I'm responsible for nothing but I was worried for the flock. I couldn't stop asking God for the one that would shepherd the sheep. I was worried I would be of irrelevance to the kingdom if I leave. I know I would have enough time to blog, focus more on social media evangelism, maybe start the vlog and podcast(earlier this year around the time I received the mandate to start blogging, the Lord told me He would have me start a vlog and podcasting series) but it still didn't add up. My heart was with the TACEFites. The fact that they are in their formative years and we share a strong bond spoke to me. I'm not done! The Lord will have me mould these people till they have found root in Him(details in later post).

Now this is where I am going. I knew God's will but I had the wrong attitude towards it's fulfillment. I was harboring anger in my heart because I was doing the bulk of the work while those who had the capacity to assist took the backseat only for them to surface when everything had been done or when things needed to be sorted so they can pose all the questions in this world. I was the one being asked questions that needed answers I couldn't give. I was the one picking the endless calls. Then, I became the one that stopped giving her all, the one that got weary, the one that started to care less, the one who became complacent. The anger, complacency, weariness resulted from intolerance, impatience and the unkindness I exhibited. If I had been more tolerant I would have understood that all those questions stemed from innocent hearts that saw a leader that was dependable and reliable in me. Just if I had been a bit patient I wouldn't have lent unkindness a space in my heart. I didn't, so these vices resulted not only in attitudinal change but the corruption of my heart. My heart wasn't fit to connect with God talk less of accommodating His words. How could/can I ascend unto the hill of the Lord or stand in His holy place without clean hands or a pure heart or with a soul that has been lifted unto vanity or sworn deceitfully? I couldn't/can't! In my heart was anger, impatience, intolerance, complacency, unkindness, remnants of unedifying conversations, unholy words and so on.  The reason why I couldn't focus, connect and some times found it hard to hear God speak through the Holy Spirit was because of the state of my heart. I allowed dirts flow in because I resisted the voice of the Holy Spirit and mixed with the multitude. That was the major reason why I started feeling empty, dry, helpless... in one word VOID! Guys! You really can't imagine how scared I was when these things were revealed. Every part of me from the crown of my head to the sole of my feet shook in horror. My heart was literally going to detonate because the weight of the revelation was too much for it. It's such a big deal to me because nothing ever feels or goes right when my walk with God isn't straight. To think that the one thing I detest(sin) is what has been inhibiting my flow with God... What a waawu!

My heart has been going through the process of sanctification. All excesses are being pruned. More people are being cut off. I am more cautious of my conversations. Matter of fact my internet time has drastically reduced. The Lord is seriously defining my circle so I'm not going with the flow or the multitude. Above all, the Lord is teaching me how to love and be grounded in love. I am beginning to comprehend what the Love of Christ means and so(my favourite part of the story) my void is being filled with the fullness of Christ! Praise God!

#Unvoid.

M A N D A T E: Sin causes spiritual inhibitions. Guard your heart with all diligence for it's access to the presence of the Lord could be void.